Curiosity vs Fearless
by Cindy ~ January 6th, 2007. Filed under: General, Inner Space, Winter.
I’m dealing with a range of emotions while my ‘good’ eye is loosing sight fast. The world is no longer clear in any way, shape or form. Where there was once definition and recognition, there is now a foggy haze. I’ll be heading down to the eye center this coming Wednesday- I’m pretty sure what they’ll tell me, that the myositis is spreading. I’m tapering off the prednisone, slowly getting it out of my system, but I still can’t walk far nor do much without help. I wanted to sanitize my bird feeders today, but I did good to strip my bed before I tumbled back into it. I sleep too much.. and I know it’s depression sneaking into my psyche, because part of me wants to be numb and not deal with this any longer. The struggle of trying to do simple things for months on end has completely wore me out and not being able to see has robbed me of something I always enjoyed- solitude. Solitude is something I require.. but this is not solitude. When I can’t see what is right in front of my face, there is no comfort, only longing and more than a little curiosity. Garry and I both carry hand-held walkie talkies now.. in case I get in a position where I can’t move, which happens often.
I watched from a distance while 2 Brown Creepers had a skirmish over what appeared to be a seed- but I couldn’t tell what the ruckus was all about.. and creepers are one of my most favorite winter species. They’re a solitary species during this season, so this was a behavior I’ve never seen before. Maybe I’ll witness this curious clashing of creepers again.. and maybe not.
I can sit in a chair for 1/2 hour now.. tops. So I combined two of my favorite images in photoshop during a rare creative burst of energy today.. a wild bobcat and a hovering hummingbird. I’m not happy with the results, but at least I got my mind off myself for a short time. It’s hard not to dwell on this disease while I’m stuck inside 24/7, unable to read, unable to watch TV nor see what Phoebe has in her mouth as she runs from me wanting me to chase and play with her. My husband is past the point of being tired, Phoebe is restless and needing exercise and the days pass by so slowly.
I titled the image ‘curiosity’. I almost named it ‘fearless’, in honor of the tenacity and attributes of the hummingbird..but right now I’m more like the bobcat- always curious and alert regarding its’ surroundings, but for the most part it stays hidden and secretive.. coming out when it deems the world safe and slinking around it’s own lair when it’s not.
January 6th, 2007 at 10:06 pm
I’m so sorry, Cindy. I truly am. But I feel in my heart that this battle is not lost. Hold on, please. Don’t let go.
January 7th, 2007 at 12:41 am
This is so gut-wrenching to read about. I hope you can find the strength to persevere, no matter what.
January 7th, 2007 at 3:27 am
Dave and gladio have so well expressed what I too am thinking. I’m so very sorry to hear about more loss of vision and hope that it’s one of those phases that occur with some illnesses. Such trials are hard to deal with for anyone, but especially for an artist such as you — and yes, I know what you mean about losing solitude. That would be very difficult for me too.
I love the image of the hummingbird and the bobcat together. I can well imagine a feisty hummingbird checking out a bobcat at close range.
January 7th, 2007 at 9:03 am
Try to stay strong Cindy, this is so hard for you I know. I think of you often and ask for the earth’s healing energy to be given to you. It does sound as though physically you may be a little stronger - I hope so anyway.
January 7th, 2007 at 9:30 am
I am at a loss for words. The others have said it all. I am keeping you in my prayers.
January 7th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
My Dearest Friend Cindy: My heart goes out to you…I know you are in pain and suffering. Your fear of the unknown is felt among all your friends. “God is our reduge and strength, a very present help in trouble…”PSALM 46:1″.
You have many friends that are praying for you…The picture is great!
January 7th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Cindy,
As all of the previous posts have stated, we are all praying for you and are also fearful for what may come your way. But, we do have a higher power that is in control of everything. Reach out to God and he will reach for you. One quote that has encouraged me is Matthew 11:28 Come unto me all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
January 7th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
thanks all.. I’ve refrained from posting much, mostly because I’ve felt so much despair lately.. I still have my faith, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with loosing my sight, and I refuse to believe I won’t get it back somehow/someway. Your thoughts and words of encouragement are so very appreciated.
I don’t read the bible, I read the clouds.. the stars.. I feel the winds against my face and it lets me know I’m alive, even if I can’t see the life around me well.
Many blessings to you all.. and yes dear Karrie, you could say I’m a bit weary.. sleep is my best friend. Hopefully I’ll feel better next time you and Jimmy visit.